Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
