why didn't you poke me back
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
