The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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