Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
