Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
