please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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