Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize