i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
