you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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