it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize