If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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