we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize