i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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