I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
