Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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