I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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