The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
