Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Who did Billy Mays play for?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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