my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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