Me. At least after what I've been through.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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