I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I am mentally ready for anal.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
