whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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