I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
