found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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