using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
