I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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