We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
