wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
