I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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