I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
