From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
