the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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