I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The ass gains better be worth it
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