He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
