Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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