whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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