Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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