I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
