i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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