You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
