apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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