Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
