dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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