dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
