its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
