can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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