Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
