bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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