I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
