I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
