the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
