i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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