Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You don't make any sense
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