It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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