My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
