Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
