the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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