You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
