I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize