I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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